He came right up to her, looked her in the eye and introduced himself. "My name is James." His voice was deep and almost poetic.
"My name is Carol," she replied.
James and Carol spent the night making fun of all the drunk kids and had a wonderful time together.
"It's almost morning. I'm going to need to leave to go get some sleep," Carol said.
"Let me walk you home," James said.
James walked Carol home. They stopped for a moment on the beach to admire the rising sun. They embraced the warmth of its colors. The reds and oranges washed over their bodies and became to brighten the blues in the sky.
"This is beauty," Carol said.
"Yes, it is," James said, looking right at her.
James and Carol spent the next week at each other's side. Completely inseparable. Some might say they had fallen in love. But there was one problem.
"I'm not a student," James said.
"What do you mean?" Carol said, as she took another sip of her coffee.
"I'm not a student. I lied to you to make you like me. Truth is I'm not from here. I'm the son of a sailor. I leave port tomorrow to return to Ireland. I didn't want to lie to you, but I'm just a sailor. How could someone like you ever like me?"
"James, I don't care what you are or where you are from. Let me come with you. Let me be with you. I'd give it all up for you."
"No, Carol, you can't. I can't have you give up your dreams. This is your life. Mine is on the ocean."
Carol looked him in the eyes but didn't know what to say. After a few long moments she said, "I need to go home now."
James replied, "Let me walk you home one last time."
As they walked home the sun began to set. They stopped for a moment to reflect on everything that they had shared that past week. The reds and oranges began to sink beneath the ground and the darkness of night overtook it. They said goodbye and knew they would never meet again.
The next day James woke before the sun rose. He knew his dad would want to set sail before the day truly began. He put on his sea-worn robes and headed to the dock. As they pulled away from the dock, James faced the direction where sun was supposed to rise. He waited to see the red and orange. He wanted to feel the warmth of the sun like that first sun rise with Carol. But it never came. It was cloudy day that day. And the sun was hidden behind the clouds and all James saw was grey.
So although this might be a stretch, I was inspired by the story of Hidimbi and Bhima. Bhima is one of the five brothers in the Mahabharata. A rakshasa sends his sister Hidimbi to kill them, but instead she falls in love. She changes from her true form into a beautiful woman. They get married, have a son, but then she leaves to another world. I wanted to write about an encounter like this. I wanted to explore the idea of two people meeting, quickly falling in love, one hiding their true identity, and then they are forced to leave to the separate life that they know. I'm in a Spanish literature class right now and we have read a lot of stories that focus on color, so I decided to really focus this story on the sun and the colors it brings. I have learned in my Spanish class that color can really bring a lot of emotions forward, so I wanted to experiment with that. I had a lot of fun writing this story. Focusing on an inanimate object as a source for inspiration is something I haven't done before, so I enjoyed experimenting. I hope you enjoy my story!
Bibliography: Peter Brook's Mahabharata 1989
Picture Information:
1. Sunrise Wikimedia Commons
2. Sunset Wikimedia Commons
3. Grey Sky Pixabay
Your intro paragraph sets up the rest of the story well by employing the fish out of water trope, but the sentence structure in that paragraph seems a little bland. The language and structure seems more varied throughout the rest of the story because you made effective use of dialogue. There were a couple minor errors you might want to fix: you used the wrong form of “too” in the second to last sentence of the first paragraph, and your third picture is not showing up. I really enjoyed how you employed symbolism with the sun. Great job on the story
ReplyDeleteHi Hayley! Your story was pretty good, and I like how you used the sun motif throughout to set the mood. Your characters were decently developed, and the plot was good, even if it was a bit predictable. I do see how the story of Bhima and Hidimbi can serve as the inspiration for the story. Like Carey said, I noticed a few little errors throughout the story, like missing commas or other little typos. There are also a couple wording choices you could change to make things flow a bit better. For instance, in the last paragraph, you could take out the last two words in "It was a cloudy day that day." There are some similar instances where the prose comes off as a bit wordy. Otherwise, your story was pretty good, and I look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteThis was a touching story. I liked how the story starts with Carol not having a good time and then having her meet James. Then having James be a gentleman was a nice touch and it was interesting how that even though she did not want to be there she ended up meeting James. Which is ironic because her friends forced her to go so that she could meet new people. It was sad though in the end when Carol and James parted. I wished that they at least decided to write each other or something. I do not know if it was purposeful but the clouds seemed to symbolize the distance between James and Carol and Carol was like the sun to James. The paragraphs were just the right length and I like how the conversations had their own paragraphs. That made the conversations flow better. The pictures chosen for the story were perfect, I loved the how the pictures perfectly complimented the story.
ReplyDeleteHayley! I think I have read something from your Portfolio before but I did not see my comments. I think I had just clicked on the story about being married to a psychopath for fun because it sounded very interesting.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I wanted to say that I think you are very talented at writing titles and opening paragraphs. From other comments, it looks like that is grabbing your reader's attention.
Second, your stories are fantastic. I love the idea of the untold stories because that is something that I like to look for. Some of the stories sound so interesting but the epic only gives them about a paragraph. You did a really great job in creating these stories. I really liked how you talked about the colors in this story. It provided a great visual and made a new connection about the story. Keep up the great work and I look forward to the future stories!
First of all, I love that you used three images to describe the cycle of the sun and how it relates to your plot. This adds a whole new dimension to your story! This was a very sweet and innocent love story. At first I thought maybe you were telling the story of how Kunti gave birth to Karna, but after reading your Author’s Note I can completely understand how this story is more similar to the story of Hidimbi and Bhima. I love how you described the story of how the young couple met, and instantly clicked. I also like the creative way you made James have a different life. I would have never thought to make his character the son of a sailor-very creative! In your version it is the male who has to leave, and not the female, but the emotions that the couple goes through are very similar to those in the original story. Great work!
ReplyDeleteWow great story your site still looks great. The white to pink back ground and the text matches well together. Your topic about telling stories of the untold is a great idea. I chose to read chose to read story telling 7: the cycle of the sun. The title looked interesting and grabbed my attention. This story is just like a romantic movie with darker ending. You described janes and carols relationship beautifully and you manage to not make it romantic. One thing i did like was how you related the first walk on the beach with the second and finally third when james was by himself. Each photo you had perfectly described each setttong along with its context. One thing i did not like was the introduction. I felt that carols backstory were kinda boring but nevertheless it dodnt really down play the story. Great story... i thought it was terrific read.
ReplyDeleteWow great story your site still looks great. The white to pink back ground and the text matches well together. Your topic about telling stories of the untold is a great idea. I chose to read chose to read story telling 7: the cycle of the sun. The title looked interesting and grabbed my attention. This story is just like a romantic movie with darker ending. You described janes and carols relationship beautifully and you manage to not make it romantic. One thing i did like was how you related the first walk on the beach with the second and finally third when james was by himself. Each photo you had perfectly described each setttong along with its context. One thing i did not like was the introduction. I felt that carols backstory were kinda boring but nevertheless it dodnt really down play the story. Great story... i thought it was terrific read.
ReplyDelete